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Blame has broken many human relationships, leading to pain, brokenness, and conflicts.
Marriages and romantic relationships end not because the partners are not good people but because they focused on blaming one another, leading to accusation and counter accusations until one partner gets exhausted.
Blame kills our self-confidence as it is an accusation that we have failed in our duty. Blame is an invitation for the accused to feel guilty for something gone wrong. Blame is a form of control that reduces the self-worth of the victim making them easy to control.
While blame destroys a relationship, praise builds our relationships.
We blame, others, situations, our environment and mostly we blame ourselves for things that go wrong in life. Without forgiveness and moving on, our lives get stuck and we wilt away with guilt.
Let me give some form of blame situations.
Mothers training their children,
Response 1 The mother has left milk to boil on the cooker and the child is in the kitchen cleaning dishes, the milk boils over. Mom raises her voice “Now you see, I always tell you to be careful but you don’t listen. This utterance makes the recipient feel careless, small leading to resentment and fear of the mother. A sour relation ensues.
Response 2 ‘boils fast, it can easily boil over so don’t leave it unattended”. Information and guidance on how to boil milk is shared. In the end even if it overflows, your child can say,” mom it boiled so fast I just turned and the next thing I knew it was almost spilling over but I got it in time”. The child feels a sense of achievement, she affirms the moms’ knowledge as true and respect develops between them. A lovely relation is formed.
Father & Son
Young people are full of life and fun which can impact on the future,
Response 1 “You will amount to nothing, you are useless or all you think about is partying with those useless friends” Dad says. The son will react with rebellion but at the same time accept his destiny as predicted by the dad. He will party more and expect little from his life. He can easily experiment with drugs to fit in with others who easily accept him especially if challenged not to be a wimp. At times a child may turn out okay despite such utterances to defy that prediction of their future.
Response 2 Dad says, “Son, life is about balance.Work hard, have fun and choose your friends wisely.” Words should also reflect your own lifestyle as a model for the child. Proceed to guide the son on how to achieve life balance, he will trust you, share information with you and seek your counsel constantly as he is safe.
A husband has used money poorly;
Response 1 Wife, “If it were not for you we wouldn’t be in this financial mess!” The man as a provider has failed. His ego is bruised by the wife’s words, he shrinks inwards, as it is true he messed but he becomes defiant ,hostile and can easily become abusive. The burden of the guilt and resentment of the blame creates cracks in the marriage.
Response 2 “We shall pull out of this financial mess together darling. We have learnt our lesson and shall do things differently.” wife says to her husband. The man shrinks inward as he messed, but the wife’s words inspire renewed confidence to overcome as guilt is translated into a lesson from which he can spring back, the WE promises a team that can overcome. The bond increases in the marriage.
You start getting late for work ;
Response 1 The boss yells that he will fire you for being late. Fear of job loss kicks in so you strive to come to work on time. Your output drops, and you start resenting work as no one cares about you.
Response 2 The boss calls you and inquires on what is affecting your punctuality. He invites you to share what could be bothering you.You explain, that you have a sick child or trouble at home or financial issues etc. The boss listens and offers some helpful tips. You feel the boss cares about you as a person and you rededicate your efforts to do much more that compensates for your lateness.
In all situations, blame doesn’t build us, it harms, but commendation, counsel, affirmation and approval achieve better results and goodwill. Making mistakes is part of learning and learning will occur if mistakes are acknowledged, owned and corrected. Sometimes we make mistakes but blame them on someone else.
Commend to inspire worthy relationships.
All things life, an adventure
Fay Day 261